Being single is not a problem. Waiting around for your life to begin because you’re single is.

We live in a society that puts a lot of pressure on single people, especially women. The moment you’re single for long enough, people start treating it like a condition. They want to know why you’re still single, whether you’re dating anyone and when you’re finally going to settle down.

And when they tell you to “have fun,” they usually mean drink poison or sleep with strangers. In short, hedonism as sold by Hollywood.

I think there’s much better advice to give a single person.

You have a life to live!

Being single isn’t a situation that needs to be fixed. You don’t need to spend years wondering when you’re going to meet someone, why you haven’t yet or comparing your life to people who are already married.

I understand the feeling.

I wanted companionship too.

There were times when being single felt empty. We all want to be held. We all want someone to come home to. There’s nothing wrong with wanting that.

But wanting something and waiting for it are two very different things.

I wasn’t going to sit around waiting for someone to arrive and make my life feel complete. I had a life to live in the meantime, so I lived it.

I built a career. I spent time with my friends. I became the third wheel, and sometimes the fifth wheel. I made memories. I learned things. I spent time with couples and saw how relationships worked from the inside, especially when one of them was already a close friend.

You learn a lot that way.

You see how people communicate, disagree, compromise, show affection and deal with responsibility. I learned a lot from it, even if not enough, because I don’t think you can ever learn enough about relationships.

But none of that was a strategy for finding a wife.

That distinction matters.

And when I eventually met my wife, I wasn’t looking for someone to give me a life or make me happy. I was happy, and she was happy before we met. We simply complemented each other, shared what we already had and grew together from there.

That’s how it should be.

Marriage is amazing. I genuinely believe that. I wouldn’t trade my marriage for my single life.

But marriage was not the goal of my single life.

Living well was.

Marriage changes how you live

As a married man, I have responsibilities towards another person that I didn’t have when I was single. My wife’s wellbeing is no longer just something I care about. It is something I’m responsible for. If she needs me, I show up, even when it’s inconvenient, even when I have other things I’d rather be doing.

When I was single, I was responsible for myself. Just myself. I could make my own plans, spend my own money and do whatever I wanted with my time.

That’s why I think marriage is such an important step into adulthood, and in my case manhood. You don’t stop living for yourself. You stop living just for yourself.

Someone else’s wellbeing, safety and happiness become part of your responsibility. You become someone they can rely on, not just a companion and lover.

Single life can be lonely

It can be, and it is no matter what you do. That’s the truth.

There were times when I felt that loneliness too, even when I was seemingly on top of the world. But I had my friends and I had my family. My family in particular mattered enormously to me. When I was down and didn’t feel like talking to my friends, I could talk to them instead. Sometimes just hearing their voices was enough to make me feel better.

The desire for companionship is natural. You can be loved and still be lonely.

You can have a wonderful life and still want someone beside you.

But you can also want marriage without making marriage the purpose of your life.

Those things aren’t contradictory.

I didn’t get married when I wanted to, really not.

I got married when it was right.

We don’t get much say in when the right person enters our lives, but we do get a say in what we do with our lives before that happens.

So if you’re single, stop waiting.

Live life on your own terms. Make it yours. And if someone eventually comes along and you decide to share it with them, that’s wonderful.

But don’t spend your life waiting for that day.

You only get one life. Don’t put it on hold for a life you haven’t even started yet.

Food for thought.

Thanks for reading.

Teekay