Take back the night

Maybe your sleep isn’t broken, maybe your schedule is

The middle sleep vs capitalism

I’ve always felt there was something strange about the way we talk about sleep.

We speak about it as if it should be clean, obedient and uninterrupted.

You go to bed.

You disappear for 8 hours.

You wake up.

You function.

Then you do it all over again the next night.

And when the body does anything else, we treat it like a problem.

Wake up at 2 AM?

Problem.

Lie there thinking?

Problem.

Feel awake for a while, then tired again?

Problem.

Everything becomes a disorder the moment it fails to fit the schedule.

But I’m no longer convinced the schedule is neutral.

I’m not even convinced it’s natural.

Because I’ve lived another kind of sleep.

Not every night. Not perfectly. Not as some routine I’m trying to sell.

But enough to know there is something real there.

I sleep for 4 or 5 hours.

Then I wake up.

Not violently. Not in panic. Not because an alarm ripped me out of my body.

I just wake up.

The world is silent.

Everyone else is asleep.

The air feels different.

My mind feels different.

I pray, then sit in that strange state between sleep and waking, between night and morning, between the body resting and the soul speaking.

And then something opens.

Ideas arrive.

Problems untangle.

Sentences appear.

Things I couldn’t solve during the day suddenly become obvious.

No noise. No demand. No performance. No one needing anything from me.

Just me, the night and whatever rises when the mind is finally left alone.

That’s when I write some of my best work.

The over-controlled mind of the day goes quiet. The part of me that’s always responding, planning, defending, explaining and calculating finally steps aside.

And something deeper speaks.

Then, after a while, my body gets tired again.

So I go back to sleep.

Another few hours.

And somehow, the whole thing feels natural.

Maybe ancient.

Not broken.

Not disordered.

Not like insomnia.

Just ancient.

As if my body remembers something the modern world has tried to erase.

Maybe sleep was never meant to be one single block for everyone.

Maybe the middle of the night wasn’t always an issue to be addressed.

Maybe waking after a few hours wasn’t always something to fear.

Maybe there was a time when the night had two doors: one for rest, one for reflection, then rest again.

Historians have written about segmented sleep, especially in preindustrial Europe. People spoke of a first sleep and a second sleep. Between the two, they might pray, think, talk, make love, tend to small things or simply exist in the dark without immediately diagnosing themselves.

That detail matters.

Because today, when someone wakes in the middle of the night, they don’t usually ask, “What is this moment giving me?”

They ask, “What’s wrong with me?”

That tells us something.

Not only about sleep.

About the society around sleep.

Because modern life doesn’t tolerate rhythms it can’t use.

It sees darkness and calls it wasted time, hence the horrendous daylight saving invention.

It sees silence and tries to fill it.

It sees the body refusing to behave like a machine and immediately asks which product, pill, app, supplement or routine can force it back into obedience.

This is where sleep becomes political.

Sleep itself is natural.

The modern sleep schedule isn’t.

It belongs to work.

To school.

To office hours.

To alarms.

To productivity culture.

To the economic need to make bodies predictable.

Capitalism colonized our sleep.

It took something ancient, intimate and mysterious, then forced it into a format that serves production.

One block.

One alarm.

One workday.

Repeat.

And because we live in a performance-driven society, even rest has to justify itself.

We don’t sleep because the body is sacred.

We sleep so we can function and be productive.

We don’t rest because life is more than work.

We rest so we can return to work less damaged.

Even sleep has been made useful.

Recovery.

Optimization.

Output.

Efficiency.

A better brain.

A better body.

That’s the real sickness.

Not simply lack of sleep.

Not simply insomnia.

A society that can only respect sleep when sleep serves production is very sick.

Nature doesn’t work like that.

Summer is not winter.

December is not June.

The year breathes.

Days stretch and shrink.

Nights lengthen and shorten.

Trees lose their leaves.

Animals slow down.

Light changes.

Energy changes.

Everything adapts except us.

We expect the same output in winter as in summer.

Same wake-up time.

Same productivity.

Same pressure.

Same artificial brightness.

As if the body should be indifferent to the sun.

As if a dark winter morning and a bright summer morning ask the same thing from us.

They don’t.

Winter asks for slowness.

Modern economic life asks for output.

Winter gives us longer nights.

We turn on the lights and carry on.

Then when people collapse, we call it fatigue, burnout, low motivation, seasonal depression or poor sleep hygiene.

Sometimes those words describe something real.

But they can also hide something.

Many people are not failing at rest.

They’re being forced to live against it.

Their rhythm isn’t broken by nature.

It’s broken by a dying society that still demands performance from exhausted bodies.

That’s why I don’t trust most conversations about sleep.

They talk about blue light, magnesium, melatonin, sleep trackers, cold rooms and perfect pillows.

Fine.

Some of that can help.

But they rarely talk about capitalism and all it entails.

Stress.

Work.

Poverty.

Grief.

Debt.

Noise.

Fear.

The nervous system living under constant pressure.

They rarely admit that many people are tired because their lives are built against the body.

Instead, they sell us solutions to problems the system created, the system being capitalism.

You’re stressed, so they sell you sleep content.

You’re overworked, so they sell you recovery hacks.

You’re anxious, so they sell you supplements.

You’re disconnected from nature, so they sell you artificial routines.

You’re exhausted by capitalism, so they sell you wellness.

And the simplest truth is ignored.

Maybe people need less stress.

More time.

More silence.

More prayer.

Work that doesn’t swallow their life.

Enough space to do things that make them happy before their body collapses at night.

Maybe people don’t need to become better machines.

Maybe they need to stop being treated like machines at all.

Science can tell us many useful things about sleep, but it becomes dangerous when it forgets that humans are not only organisms in a lab.

A sleep study can measure the brain.

It can’t fully measure what the night means to a person.

It can’t measure the feeling of waking naturally after 4 or 5 hours, praying in the dark, writing from a place you can’t access during the day, then returning to sleep as if you had visited some hidden room inside yourself.

That room matters.

That middle space matters.

The world has become so loud that we’ve forgotten what the mind does when it’s not being interrupted.

During the day, thought is constantly attacked.

Messages.

Screens.

Tasks.

People.

Plans.

Bills.

Responsibilities.

Even when we’re alone, we’re rarely alone.

But the middle of the night is different.

It gives the mind a privacy the day can’t offer.

Maybe that’s why creativity often lives near sleep, near dreams, near the strange border where the rational mind loosens and something deeper comes forward.

The edge of sleep is not empty.

It’s fertile.

Not always useful in the capitalist sense.

But sometimes revealing.

And that is not the same thing.

That’s why I refuse to see every night waking as a problem.

Sometimes it’s stress, illness or pain.

Sometimes it’s too much worry, too much light or too much life pressing on the chest.

But sometimes, it’s something else.

Sometimes the body wakes because it has entered the second chamber of the night.

The chamber where the ego is quieter.

Where ideas come without being chased.

Then sleep returns.

Not as defeat.

As completion.

First sleep.

A waking.

Second sleep.

A rhythm, a conversation between the body, the soul and the dark.

Maybe that’s what we’ve lost.

The true meaning of sleep.

We reduced it to recovery.

Made it serve productivity.

Turned it into another thing to optimize, track and monetize.

We forgot that sleep is also surrender.

Also mystery.

A borderland.

One of the last places where the body refuses complete control.

That might be why modern life is so obsessed with managing it.

Because sleep reminds us that we’re not machines and never will be.

No matter how many alarms we set.

No matter how many apps we download.

No matter how many experts explain our cycles.

At some point, the body asks to return to the dark.

And maybe, if we stop being afraid of every interruption, we might discover that the night wasn’t only made for unconsciousness.

Maybe part of it was made for meeting ourselves without the noise of the world.

The most human sleep was never a straight line.

It was a tide.

The middle of the night was never the enemy.

The enemy is a society that turned even rest into a performance.

Resist capitalism, take back your sleep.

Thanks for reading.

Tee.

Lantern by teekay

Note from a sleepless night

For the first time in a while, I genuinely can’t sleep  

My whole body hurts, in a good way 🙂

Legs super heavy, ankle kinda messed up, toes on my left foot hurt (got stepped on twice in football practice today), ribcage from that knock Friday, plus some hamstring and inner thigh pain.

What I wouldn’t give for a massage right now  

Anyway, I stopped making blog entries like this for a while. No one really wants to read this kinda thing anymore, amirite?

People would rather hear someone yap on video, I get it  

Still, I miss this

And I miss old school blogs in general  

Plus, reading just hits different, you build everything in your head and it feels way more personal and real

I’ve actually read way more this year than I have in the last five combined

I mean books

I’m a big reader overall, I just don’t read books like that, I go on Medium and read random blogs instead

I don’t really do personal stories though, which is probably why I don’t write these either, but I still think there’s a world for it

Even if there aren’t that many people left reading this kind of stuff

I miss Tumblr, I used to spend hours on there  

So many interesting people, so many stories  

And most of them just wrote like this, no structure, no formatting, just thoughts  

There’s comfort in being natural, it makes everything feel more intimate  

I’m rambling  

Pain’s keeping me up, so maybe I’ll just watch Better Call Saul, eat some peanut butter with a couple bananas and wait for the sun

Nights like this I usually don’t sleep until the next evening anyway

Peace and blessing

Duality by Teekay RM

Immigrant kids think in parallel

We belong here, but we carry somewhere else at the same time.

I didn’t grow up in one place, I grew up across countries, cultures, across versions of life that don’t always overlap. Nothing ever felt fully singular;

Not home
Not language
Not even memory

There’s always another layer running underneath.

A joke that only lands in one country
A smell that brings you back somewhere no one around you knows
A version of you that only exists in a different language

Sometimes it hits you mid-thought. You’re here, but part of you is somewhere else entirely.

Maybe you didn’t move as much, but if you grew up between cultures, you know this feeling.

Because we do learn the world around us
We move through it like anyone else
We understand its rules, its references, its rhythm.

But we also carry something quieter, a parallel world most people don’t see or know about.

It lives in memories that don’t translate
In inside jokes that fall flat outside the circle
In moments that shaped you, but have no place where you are.

And then there’s language.

Some of us speak our parents’ language, some don’t. Some are fluent, some are still finding their way.

Either way, it stays with you

Because language isn’t just words, it’s a way of thinking. You don’t just switch vocabulary, you shift perspective.

Sometimes you even feel it in yourself. Not like you’re becoming someone else, just.. a different version of the same person, expanded.

Every culture has its codes: What’s said, what’s not. What’s allowed, what’s felt but never expressed..

And if you understand more than one, you start to see the world differently.

Then comes the next layer, religion.

Growing up with beliefs and traditions that don’t match the world around you

Again, different rhythms, different priorities and a different way of making sense of life altogther.

You learn what everyone else knows, but you also carry what they don’t: Names, stories, references that exist outside the mainstream.

It’s not always visible, but it shapes how you move.

Living through all of this does something to you. It doesn’t just make you adaptable, it makes you more aware.

You understand what it means to be misunderstood
To feel slightly out of place
To not fully belong

Some embrace it, others struggle with it.

But when you’ve felt that, you don’t want others to feel it too.

Not everyone reflects on it, but those who do soften.

They listen more
They notice more
They hold space differently

Because they’ve lived the distance.

Immigrant kids blend it, and stand out.

We connect things that aren’t supposed to touch
We carry perspectives that don’t usually meet.

We’re rarely the ones drawing lines because we know what it feels like to stand outside them.

Being an immigrant isn’t easy

It comes with friction
With weight
Sometimes with rejection

But it builds something solid

Depth
Awareness
Resilience

You learn to see more
To feel more
To understand more

You don’t just move between worlds

You connect them.

We don’t need to split ourselves to fit in, we don’t need to shrink parts of us to be understood.

We carry multiple worlds
Multiple languages
Multiple ways of being

That’s our wealth.

Let us be.

Thanks for reading.

Teekay

Winter by Tee

Winter knows something we forgot

You don’t hate winter, you hate how we live through it.

I’m such a winter person. I resisted that idea for years because I don’t particularly enjoy being cold and I absolutely hate humidity, but I’m done arguing with it now.

Winter is my favorite season, the one that makes me feel most alive. Fall comes close behind. Maybe I’m really a fall-first person who only settles once winter arrives. Fall feels like a threshold, a kind of preparation, while winter is the place it all leads to.

Most people say they hate winter, but I don’t even think that’s true. I think they hate winter under capitalism, which is a very different thing.

Winter isn’t simply December 21st to March 20th like we’re taught in school. December 21st is the winter solstice, the shortest day of the year, the deepest point of darkness. In many ways, that’s peak winter. It’s both the heart of it and the beginning of its slow release.

If you look at older seasonal systems, especially the Celtic calendar, winter is often understood differently. It begins around early November, with Samhain, and transitions toward spring around early February, with Imbolc. I’ve always intuitively aligned with this rhythm, a rhythm that feels more real in the body.

Winter always makes me nostalgic about my childhood. Where you grow up shapes your relationship to it. Below the equator, winter falls during what we call summer months. It’s shorter, less harsh. It’s still winter, but it doesn’t carry the same weight. Above the equator, winter has a presence. It changes everything.

Winter in New York, for example, is unmatched. But to understand it, you have to start with fall. Fall is special in a way that’s hard to replicate. The air sharpens, the leaves start falling, the temperature drops just enough to wake you up. School starts again. People return from summer scatteredness with a sense of purpose. There’s motivation, a quiet hope that something new can begin before the year closes.

Then come the holidays. I don’t celebrate them myself, but I can’t deny the atmosphere. Halloween, with kids everywhere. Thanksgiving, massive in New York. Then the Christmas season, with its films, its smells, its food. Cinnamon, baked goods, warmth. Fall is about getting cozy. It’s about preparing, consciously or not, for winter.

And then winter arrives.

One of my favorite childhood memories is hearing on the radio that a blizzard had shut everything down. Schools closed for days. Travel discouraged. The world paused. I remember the feeling of going back to bed, diving under the blanket, watching the snow fall outside. There was a kind of collective stillness. Everyone was home at the same time, in the middle of the week, which almost never happened.

Winter meant snowball fights with family and friends. Building snowmen. Coming back inside after hours in the cold to drink something hot, cinnamon-heavy or just a simple hot chocolate. Winter also meant shorter days, which I’ve always loved. There’s something honest about darkness arriving early. It forces you inward, and you simply sleep better. At least I do.

Now that I live in a coastal town, winter has taken on a different form. The place empties out. It becomes a ghost town. Only a few locals remain. I can walk through the streets, along the beach, into the forests, and not see anyone. Not hear anyone. Just space, and peace.

Fall here is also the perfect time for mushroom picking. There’s something deeply satisfying about finding your own food, bringing it home, cooking it. I don’t do it as often as I used to, but when I do, it reconnects me to something older than all of this.

Winter also brings unpredictability. Storms, floods, strong winds, snow.

I’ve always been fascinated by storms. There’s something humbling about them. They remind you how small you are without humiliating you. Just placing you back in proportion.

And this is where my relationship with winter becomes more than just aesthetic.

Winter, to me, is supposed to be a time of slowing down. A form of hibernation. Not complete inactivity, but a reduction. A softening. A withdrawal from constant output.

But winter under capitalism is the opposite of that.

It’s when everything accelerates. Black Friday. Christmas consumption. New Year’s, January sales. Valentine’s Day. It becomes a concentrated period of economic extraction. A time where people are pushed to spend more, move more, produce more, exactly when their bodies are asking for less.

I don’t adhere to that. I reject it.

Because biologically, intuitively, winter asks something else from us. Even illness patterns reflect that. People don’t just get sick because of viruses. They get sick because they keep pushing at summer pace in a winter body. They ignore the signal to slow down.

Historically, people understood this. They worked through the year, harvested their crops, prepared for winter. Around the end of October, they gathered, celebrated the end of harvest. And then life shifted. Maintenance replaced expansion. Survival replaced growth.

Nature does the same. Animals retreat. Bears hibernate. Bees cluster. Even plants withdraw into themselves. Winter is not death. It’s conservation.

I sometimes imagine a different life. A cabin. A cycle where summer is for harvesting, fall for preparing, winter for resting. Wood gathered. Food stored. Time spent simply maintaining what’s already there.

Life, at its core, is that simple. But systems built on constant expansion don’t allow simplicity to survive.

Winter, for me, is also about people. Not crowds, but closeness. Seeing friends, family. Sitting together, drinking tea, sharing time without urgency. There’s a different quality to connection in winter. It’s slower, deeper.

Even sports feel different. The air, the light, the coziness of it all. Everything sharpens.

And if I’m honest, part of why I love winter is personal. I’m introverted. I need that inward space. But it’s also something else. A fatigue with what humanity has become. The constant noise, the endless movement, the destruction of everything around us.

Winter feels like a counterforce.

It slows us down whether we like it or not. A storm doesn’t ask for permission. A blizzard doesn’t negotiate. When it hits, everything stops. And in that moment, we’re all equal. No one is above it.

There’s something powerful in that.

To me, winter restores balance. It interrupts the illusion that we can operate at maximum intensity all year long. The shortening of days, the stretching of nights, the way time itself feels heavier, slower, none of that is accidental. It’s a form of design.

Fighting that rhythm has consequences. You see it in people who try to live winter like summer. They burn out. They get anxious. They get sick.

I haven’t had a cold in years. That’s not just because I’m active or because of my diet, though those matter. It’s because I try, as much as possible, to align with that rhythm. To accept that winter is not the time to push.

Winter is about gathering. With nature, with people, with yourself. It’s not about peak productivity. It’s not about consumption. It’s not about proving anything.

It’s about remembering.

And maybe that’s why I love it so much. Because despite everything, despite the systems we’ve built to override it, winter still imposes itself. It reminds us, quietly or violently, that we are not in control of everything.

That there is a rhythm beyond us.

And that we’d probably be better off listening to it.

Thanks for reading.

Teekay.

Atlantic, by Teekay Rezeau-Merah

Life is a beautiful mystery

People are oddly mesmerizing. Sometimes I catch glimpses of conversations, some are deep, others shallow. Both fascinate me. How humans think and function, how they make their own choices, and sometimes, how they lie to themselves.

I like watching people walk together. I can’t help but think of our ancestors, how they moved in groups, hunter-gatherers, until wheat domesticated us (not the other way around). I wish we could go back. It’s funny how a child’s walking style often matches a parent’s gait, or how the way someone sits says so much about them.

I get stuck watching clothes spin in the dryer. I don’t wear a lot of black (or any, really), so it’s like a rainbow in there. It always reminds me of this Senegalese myth from Ashura Day, where a rainbow means the Prophet’s (PBUH) daughter is doing her laundry. It’s funny, in a sweet way.

Oral traditions must be protected at all costs.

I love the bees and butterflies that hang around when we’re outside. It’s so peaceful.

Fire is mesmerizing. I’ve always been fascinated by it, so much so that, when I was little, one of my experiments went wrong and set my bedroom on fire. Oops! I love bonfires, fireplaces, candles. I used to burn incense just to watch the smoke. I’m also strangely drawn to steam, idk why.

Most people hate spiders. I love them. They really are special, nature’s elite.

Growing things makes no sense. How can a seed feed me with the most beautiful fruit or vegetable in no time? Just soil, water and sun? Endless abundance. Nature is incredible.

The world is full of magic. The stars, clouds, moving patterns, waves, the wind.

Pain is strange. It’s an immediate physical response, but if you think about it, step outside of it, it becomes something else. Just neuroreceptors sending signals. The whole process is wild. I dread pain. It reminds me of death, like it’s the final step before we go.

Skin is interesting. It’s the largest organ we have, yet we treat it like it’s nothing. I’m always amazed when it heals itself, like how? When I was a baby, I had second-degree burns on my face and third-degree burns on my chest. I went blind for a few days. I think about miracles a lot. We abuse our skin constantly, yet it keeps repairing itself.

Languages are mesmerizing. I think about them often. I compare languages in my head and try to understand those who invented them. Again, I think about our ancestors. How did they communicate? What was their humor like? What did they find funny? Did they understand death quickly? How did they distinguish little death (sleep) from big death?

I love the expression “life as we know it”. It plays in my head quite often. My personalities are different in different languages, I think most polyglots can relate.

Life is a beautiful mystery. One day you’re here…

Anyway, thank you for stopping by.

Peace!

Teekay